Things get dark in creative writing class

Creative writing courses are meant to be electives that allow students to express themselves. They are encouraged to dig deep into themselves and their own lives to find inspiration. But in this class, some of the students may be digging a little too deep.

“I think these students are clearly working through some stuff,” Professor Aya Didenstein stated. “I’m not sure if I should be giving them all A’s or calling a therapist.”

Case in point is a piece by sophomore business major Jane Cool, who wrote about setting fire to the New York stock exchange, “It’s an expression of the self-consuming nature of capitalism,” Cool explained.

The student also mentioned planning a trip to New York this summer to visit family. “My father works in the stock market, why would I want to literally burn it down? It’s not like his endless search for profit led him to emotional neglect and then later abandon his family or anything. On an unrelated note, do you know that most fire accelerants are available at any hardware store, making them completely untraceable? It’s a fun thought.”

One of the students who is clearly going through some issues right now is Andros Finnegan. When reached for comment, the junior environmental biology major merely stared for a long moment and stated, “We are destroying the Earth, poisoning her with our pollution, with our greed. But she will have the last laugh, she will feast upon our bones.” The reporter didn’t feel the need to continue that line of questioning.

Others became more defensive, such as junior Melany Poe. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about,” they responded. “I mean, we’re supposed to be tapping into relatable feelings, and who here hasn’t felt the crushing weight of existential dread as you look at your to-do list and must prioritize your various responsibilities to different classes or dead-end jobs as opposed to your ever-fraying mental health. Nothing’s more relatable than that!”

Poe expressed confusion at any mention of Viterbo’s offered mental health services.

“Come on, stop bothering us, we’re fine,” senior history major Zeke Sorvus complained. “I mean, we’re entering the second decade of the millennia with an ever increasing divide between the rich and poor, a joke of a legal system where only a few are really protected, and rising white nationalism both at home and in Europe so obviously we as a society haven’t learned a thing. But as an individual person I’m fine.”

“Okay, I get it: existence is a prison, and death is inevitable,” junior English major Kara Doolittle complained. “But do you have anything new to tell me? Because I have to workshop all these stories, and I’m getting a bit tired of the doom and gloom people. If I wanted to be this depressed, I’d turn on the news like a normal person. Also, comma splices. They are horrible about comma splices.”