Serious outbreak of seniorities sweeps campus

There is a new and serious public health crisis on the Viterbo University campus, with a disease outbreak that puts students at great risk. As the semester continues, more than 150 students across campus have been all but self-quarantined in their dorm rooms, emerging only to eat and go to classes.

The cause: senioritis.

Senioritis, known to medical experts as IDGAF-20, is an illness that infects vulnerable student populations across the country, and has even been known to spread into high schools.

“I mean, I’ve seen several mild cases before, back in high school,” reports freshman nursing major, Rosie Chekov, “but nothing this serious.”

Symptoms of senioritis include: weary, dead eyes, caffeine dependency, intense feelings of procrastination along with general lackadaisical attitude, and sudden and intense interest in new hobbies.

One such infected student, senior English major, Pearl Woole, has decided to take up knitting. “It relaxes me,” Woole reports, knitting needles clacking, “because unlike some things, you can actually get a scarf done in a reasonable amount of time, you don’t have to dig out obscure academic sources to support your topic, and there’s no advisors or peer workshops or anything else telling you how you should or shouldn’t be making the scarf.”

“I know I should probably be working on my senior capstone,” one senior, Jason Lolly reports. “But on the other hand, I just got the DVD box set of ‘Mythbusters,’ so I’ll watch a couple of episodes and then I’ll be in the mood for it.” Lolly could not be reached for comment afterwards, but witnesses did note that his TV could be heard well into the night.

The latest research indicates that senioritis may be passed from person to person, yet always endemic in the local student population. One other theory has posited a connection to the local squirrel population, like the rats that spread the Black Death. It should be noted though that this theory was suggested by a senior history major and not an actual medical professional. The history major in question should probably have been working on his paper anyway. That being said, it may be for the best to stay away from squirrels.

Upperclassmen are at greatest risk for contracting the disease due to exposure from other potential infected, both juniors and seniors, the latter of which senioritis was named for. It appears that symptoms are showing up in people within three years of starting their bachelor’s degree, but extreme cases have started in sophomore year.

“Look, I know that I’m not even a junior yet,” reports the infected sophomore, Felicity Grey, “but I am just so done with everything.”

Students are under advisement to not panic, and to continue with their normal schedules and assignments. Meanwhile, researchers are working tirelessly to try and find some cure or preventative measure to stop the spread of this terrible disease. By researchers, we mean five STEM majors who really, really don’t want to deal with lab work right now.