Report: strange student sticks to New Year's resolutions
A strange sight has appeared in the upper floors of the Mathy Center. Every morning, a student goes up to the gymnasium and works out. The unusual thing is that the staff had never seen him there before this semester. And he comes in every. Single. Morning.
“I’ve gone from admiring his dedication to being concerned,” reported a student gym employee. “Like, he’s here at 7 in the morning, and I’m pretty sure he only does that after he gets done with a 6 a.m. jog.”
When approached for comment, the self-appointed student athlete seemed annoyingly peppy for 7 a.m. “Well, I am just sticking with my New Year’s resolution. I promised myself that I was going to eat right and exercise more, and so far I have.”
The student in question is Daiman Cattywampus, Viterbo sophomore who some wish was an arrogant jerk but is, unfortunately, a really nice guy.
That’s right; when most reasonable students have drifted off into a haze of caffeine, deadlines, and despair, this absolute madman had actually stuck with his New Year’s resolution.
New Year’s resolutions are often made in good faith, after a healthy amount of self-reflection and alcohol, and they are most often broken within the first two weeks. Now, several weeks past the usual drop off date when most reasonable people fall back into their usual habits, he’s sticking with it. For some reason.
“Don’t get me wrong, I hated it at first. But ever since I’ve started getting into the habit, and sticking with it, it’s been getting easier,” he explained, doing some stretches. “With diet and exercise, I’ve found that I have more energy, and have better time focusing on assignments. Besides,” he continued, “it just feels good to get things going in the morning.”
Viterbo junior Mary Contrary counter-argued with: “No, no it really doesn’t.” The student was on a nearby elliptical machine, having just awoken 20 minutes before to do a half hour of cardio before going to breakfast.
Cattywampus admitted that he was having a bit of a cheat day. “Hmm, I guess I’ll grab some pancakes and orange juice from the Caf. Maybe some strawberries.”
At one point during the interview, his cell phone started to ring. “Sorry, gotta take this,” he apologized, before answering the call with: “Hi Mom.” When the call ended, he explained, “I realized I’d fallen out of contact with my folks over the semester. Keeping in touch with them was another one of my resolutions.”
The effect isn’t restricted to campus. Local take-out restaurant called the La Crosse Police Department to do a wellness check after Cattywampus didn’t order his normal Friday night pizza. “It was a really weird experience, I’ll admit,” the annoyingly upbeat student admitted, “but hey, me and my folks got a good laugh out of it.”
“I want to say I wish him the best of luck,” admitted senior Jarred Green, one of the employees, “but on the other hand, he’s making me feel really bad about my own life choices.”