FSPA: Building a rocket to Mars?

Many returning students, as well as incoming freshman, may have been puzzled as to the reason behind all the construction taking place at St. Rose Convent. Considering recent information, there is reason to believe, that the sisters are indeed building a rocket to the planet Mars.

2019 has been a year full of excitement around space exploration, specifically, the global effort to colonize Mars. With the countless discoveries made daily by NASA’s Mars Rover, as well as the great strides being made by Elon Musk’s company, SpaceX, it is logical to predict humans will be on Mars very soon.

Not soon enough for the Franciscan Sisters of Perpetual Adoration who, as of January of last year, decided to green-light their own journey to the red planet. “We want the first humans on Mars to have humanity’s best efforts in mind,” stated Sister Doran, head of the sister’s colonization committee. “That is just something a major corporation is incapable of possessing.”

Suspicion of this venture first arose for students when a large metal frame was constructed at the southwest corner of the convent. “It just seemed space-like,” stated Czech exchange student, Nunsgho Blastingovf. “I spent hours trying to figure out what part of the building it could potentially become.”

This was, in fact, a question many students shared. For Landen D. Rocket, sophomore pottery major, he was “on to them from the start of the semester. I just thought to myself, there’s no way an extension would take that long to construct.”

Viterbo students, like Rocket and Blastingovf, were not alone in their suspicions. “This isn’t the first time I’ve been curious about what’s going on over there,” inquired Ima Martian, professor of Cartography, “I guess, when looking up at the stars, I’ll be thinking of the sisters fairly soon.”

The launch date has yet to be announced, but Sr. Doran promises “major developments in the months to come. We’re hoping to commence a test launch by the year 2022.”

Yes, it appears the sisters, widely accepted as our close friends and neighbors, will soon journey away from their home in La Crosse. However, they will not leave without a warm Viterbo University farewell. A prayer garden, set for construction this spring, will be given as a gift to the FSPA, ensuring the preservation of all the good they’ve done here on Earth.

“It is the least we can do,” stated Philip Andaway, director of campus beautification. “The sisters built this college, and we are grateful. I can only imagine all the good they will do in aiding the colonization of Mars.”

There you have it, folks. What started as rumors of renovation have been quickly trumped by recent fact. The sisters are building a rocket to Mars but continue to do so with the support of university students and faculty. At blast-off, years from now, the sisters can ascend knowing that they will always have a home to return to right here at Viterbo University. We wish you smooth sailing, ladies.