Bigfoot Allegations: What You Need To Know

Snow is falling, there is a crisp in the air, and cryptozoologists are gathering to see the Yeti spotted in La Crosse. Rumors have been flying for years of a creature seen in the bluffs. Many claimed it was just a deer, or a bear, or maybe a student on a dare, but rumors have come to a head as more reports are streaming in.

A poll of students has shown that one in every seven students knows who Bigfoot is, and some even have seen him recently. “Oh yeah hey, I’ve seen the big footed man eh, up there in the bluffs,” stated one unnamed student. “He was quite tall, a really hairy guy don’t ya know, like he didn’t remember November was over and he could shave again. Must have been like seven feet tall.”

Further reports of footprints belonging to this creature are currently unconfirmed. Due to a lack of snow, it is possible that the prints may have just been boot prints that melted in an odd pattern and were thus elongated.

Readers are advised to not go near Bigfoot, as he is quite irritable this time of year. Imagine you were out and looking for food at Einstein's, and this small stranger just started following you around photographing you. No one wants to be photographed eating; it just makes everyone uncomfortable. Give Bigfoot some privacy.

With this in mind, if you or someone you know has seen Bigfoot, please follow these tips for a safe encounter:

Do not feed Bigfoot. He is a wild animal and may become dependent on you for food, and as fun as it might seem, pets are not allowed in the dorms, nor the on-campus apartments. A pet Bigfoot is also a very bad idea. It’s almost Christmas break; you are not going to want to try to take him home. He will scare your little siblings. Try to live in the tree, and it will just ruin Christmas. Don’t do it.

Do no try to take flash photography of Bigfoot; he is shy and easily startled. Treat him like a time traveling Puritan from the 1700’s who doesn’t trust technology, flashing lights, or basically anything that isn’t a derivative of a plant.

Give him some privacy in case it isn’t Bigfoot but instead is some poor tall student who has been cramming to study for one of three tests and get his presentation right and hasn’t had time to shave. This is a judgement-free time. Finals are a stressful, and sometimes you just don’t have time to deal. We get it.

With these general words of wisdom, we can hopefully broker a peace with our forest- dwelling neighbors. If we can maintain distance and a mutual respect, there is little to worry about from our tall friends. If you do see a Bigfoot, remain calm and hope that it’s not just a three-hours-of-sleep and caffeine-fueled dream. Stay safe, readers.