Preppers: Oktoberfest Edition

Kegs are rolling, people are laughing, Lederhosen are everywhere, and that one neighbor is boarding up their windows. Clearly, it is fall in La Crosse. We went deep inside to see the extent of what people were willing to do to protect themselves from Drunkpocalpse.

The first fortress we looked at was barricaded against the onslaught. The entry was set up with mirrors to confuse anyone who happened to find themselves inside. The rest of the interior was rearranged to in a maze formation that could narrow invaders down to be easily picked off. It put the traps of the pyramids to shame. The apartment's bedrooms were also barricaded; one even had a functional portcullis! Food was stocked piled, looking like it could last years (which was surprising considering Oktoberfest was only a weekend). There were gallons of water in oaken casks with a filtration system hanging over what appeared to be the remains of a fire. The bed was folded against the window, and the underside was rigged as a shelf for canned goods. The apartment’s pet fish, Chad, sat as guard, ready to lay down his life for the honor of his home, which is all one could ask from a two-ounce goldfish.

Our rating: 5/5 on Readiness, 5/5 on Snacks, and a lost security deposit.

The second fortress was prepared for an entirely different onslaught. These were the Germans. Various types of classic Lederhosen were being pressed. The smell of yeast led us to find six barrels worth of home brewed traditional beer, and another two of mead. A glance at the fridge showed it was filled with spätzle, potato salad, and schnitzel. After accepting warm pretzels that appeared with a faint sound of yodeling, our reporting team was led into a scale model Munich where we were taught to polka. It was an educational experience to say the least.

Our rating: 4/5 on Design, 6/5 on Taste, and a strong desire to get the recipe.

The last set of preppers that we visited were perhaps the strangest of all. Aside from a bemused look over a team of reporters at their door, the students led us into what can only be described as a normal living environment. It was like they didn’t even know what was coming. When asked what their plans for the weekend were, answers included “homework,” “binging something on Netflix” and “going home.” Yet the roommate who was fleeing the country seemed surprised when such a notion was suggested stating, “Well, it’s my mom’s birthday, and I’m from Ohio, which is in this country. No, I’m not worried for the lives of my roommates. And again, I want to be clear that I’m not fleeing the country, I’m just driving to Ohio for the weekend.”

Our rating: 5/5 on Confusion, 2/5 on Preparedness, and a reminder to pay the Netflix bill.

Join us next time for Drunkopalypse Preppers!