Human Day

In an exciting new move this week, 47 countries around the globe, including the United States, China and Kyrgyzstan, came together and decided that, since Earth Day has been a globally recognized holiday for over 50 years, it is time for humans to finally get a day for themselves. In a historic decision, the HDS (Humans are a Disadvantaged Species) Committee agreed that it is only fair that humans should finally get a single day to celebrate themselves, since the Earth has had one national day of celebration every year for the past several decades. With this in mind, the HDS Committee announced the first ever “Human Day” for June 14, 2017.

Spokesperson for the HDS Committee, Wendy Crapabble, spoke to reporters Tuesday about this exciting new development. “For years, we’ve honored the earth with a special day. Every year we spend one entire day talking about conservation and climate, celebrating nature, and generally honoring the heck out of planet Earth. All we ever hear is “recycle that cardboard, conserve electricity, don’t throw that cigarette on the ground because an animal might eat it and die.” Blah blah blah. When are humans finally going to get a day too?”

The Humans are a Disadvantaged Species Committee released a statement this week, encouraging everyone to “get out and celebrate Human Day” on June 14, 2017. “Go do something really human for yourself. Throw a plastic bottle in the garbage bin rather than the recycling. Take an hour-long shower, and dry off with paper towels. Bulldoze a rainforest. Just get out there, and celebrate being human.”