From Undergrad to Nursing Home
Positively ancient Viterbo senior Max Morrison, who will graduate with an undergrad degree in business this May, announced this week his plans to move directly into a local nursing home after graduation. Morrison, who recently turned 22, has accepted that he is well past his prime physically and mentally, and has decided to pack up his belongings and move into the nearest assisted living facility upon graduation.
“Just four years ago I was a baby. I didn’t know anything. I was young, and innocent, and eager to learn,” Morrison stated in an interview this week. “Now look at me, 22 years old, graduating, and moving on into the real world. Where did the time go? When did I become so old and decrepit?”
Morrison’s statement is echoed by hundreds of his classmates, ages 22-24 years old, who have collectively realized just how ancient they are with scarcely a month until graduation. Kate Prisley, one of Morrison’s fellow seniors who will graduate with a degree in nursing, stated, “They say college is the best years of your life, and I definitely agree. When I was a freshman I had so much fun, I was so optimistic and outgoing. But now my best days are almost behind me. When did I become a dinosaur? The Smithsonian may as well put me on display right now.”
In reaction to the growing realization among graduating seniors that they are geriatric and outdated, Viterbo President Glena Temple announced Monday that the university will be launching a brand new “Senile Seniors” program this spring. Decrepit, dilapidated graduates in their early 20’s will be offered tours of local assisted living homes, and will receive information about how to choose a nursing home where they will be most comfortable in their few remaining years on this earth.