Diversity at Viterbo
This week, Viterbo University released a statement outlining a new plan to ensure that next year’s incoming class will be the most diverse in Viterbo’s history. The plan, ready for implementation immediately, discusses a “re-evaluation” of the definition of diversity on the Viterbo campus. Specifically, the plan states that since diversity has been such a struggle to achieve on campus, less-pasty white people will start counting as diversity at Viterbo.
“Our plan is simple,” stated Dr. Sam Brown, president of the Viterbo Diversity Board. “For years, Viterbo has claimed to be a school where all students can feel completely at home, no matter what their background or culture. However, in order to back up our claims about diversity on campus, we are implementing a new system for quantifying what is ‘diverse.’ Specifically, we have decided that white people who aren’t blindingly pasty during the winter months will count as diversity for our campus.”
The new plan will go into effect immediately. Around campus, a series of new diversity banners will go on display, featuring pictures of students ranging from “painfully white” to “I-can-barely-tolerate-it-if-I-look-at-it-with-sunglasses-on” white, with a caption reading, “Viterbo University: A Little Less Pasty Than You Expected.”