Vic Breaks Loose, Causes Mayhem
An official investigation is underway regarding an incident that occurred on Monday of this week, wherein Viterbo’s beloved mascot Vic the V-Hawk broke out of his enclosure behind the St. Mary of the Angels chapel and rampaged around Viterbo’s campus causing general confusion and mayhem. Authorities have not yet confirmed how Vic escaped from his 400 square-foot kennel behind the chapel, but statements have been released detailing his subsequent escapades around and about campus on Monday afternoon, which included raiding Einstein's Bros Bagels, attacking and pillaging the student union, and setting fire to Assisi Courtyard.
“It’s a truly horrific scene, really terrible,” said one La Crosse fire fighter late Monday afternoon, as he and his fellow fire fighters struggled to contain the blaze in Assisi courtyard. Reporters, Viterbo students and innocent toddlers alike watched as tables, trees, swinging benches and academic buildings burned slowly but surely to the ground. In the background Vic cawed manically as only a V-Hawk can, and raced to escape from Viterbo’s V-Hawk containment crew, which managed to finally capture him on the roof of the nursing center an hour later. Meanwhile, cries of agony and the sound of sirens rose from the student union, as students found the big screen TV cracked in half, the ATM gutted for cash and thousands of letters and packages ripped to pieces and shoved in the garbage dumpsters behind the union.
“He didn’t even recycle!” wailed one student.
Authorities have assured Viterbo students that the incident will not be repeated, and that extra security measures have been taken to ensure that Vic only leaves in enclosure with a member of the V-Hawk containment crew. Members of the crew accompany Vic to every appearance, ensuring that his wild and uncontrollable tendencies are kept in check. Still, citizens of La Crosse are advised to carry V-Hawk repellent with them at all time until the official investigation is complete. Remember the old Viterbo saying, handed down from generation to generation of nuns: if you see a V-Hawk on the loose, you’d better V-run away V-hide for V-ever so you don’t get V-murdered and V-eaten.