Special Report: Climate Change
This week, the Viterbo University Students and Faculty for Scientific Integrity Panel (VUSFSIP) released a 350 page report revealing new findings about the controversial and politically charged topics of climate change and global warming. The document, which included detailed explanations and analysis of studies and experiments conducted over the last several years by the VUSFSIP, revealed some startling truths about climate change. A summary of the 350 page document’s key points is included here. The full document can be found online at www.VUSFSIP.edu.
1. Report, Page 23: Whether or not climate change is real is based on what the weather is at this exact moment.
Remember that time last year when it was uncharacteristically freezing in March for maybe two days in a row, and your racist Uncle Cleetus from Chippewa Falls said, “If global warming is real, explain this!"? He was actually right. On page 23 of the report, the panel confirmed that the real proof for or against global warming is actually the weather at this exact moment, wherever you happen to be. Another great example of this is the unusually balmy temperatures that hit La Crosse midway through February this year. If you walked outside in a t-shirt and shorts and said, “I would be enjoying this more if I didn’t know it was because of global warming,” you hit it on the head.
The panel emphasizes, however, that this method is only useful when the weather on any given day supports your particular viewpoint about climate change. For example, when Uncle Cleetus noticed it was so warm in February, he probably didn’t say anything about global warming being real, because that doesn't support his viewpoint. Good move, Uncle Cleetus.
2. Report Page 217: The more politically charged Facebook statuses you post about climate change, the more accurate your viewpoint becomes.
You have social media for a reason: in order to post potentially offensive content to astound and alienate your friends. The panel confirmed on page 217 of their report that the best way to prove that climate change exists is to post highly offensive, abrasive Facebook content supporting your side of the debate. The panel clarified that it is not talking about reasonably sharing a credible article, or making a sensible argument and citing your sources. These tactics are much too reasonable to be effective. Much more effective is a status update along the lines of, “Climate change is for %$^@*&! Anyone who believes that %^$#@ is real can just go %$#@ themselves and unfriend me while they’re at it!” This will have the dual effect of causing your few friends who have the same venomously strong opinions on the topic to come out of the woodwork and support you and also alienate any friends who have an even slightly different opinion than you do, so that you will never have to hear an opposing viewpoint ever again.
3. Report Page 302: Statistics that oppose your viewpoint are just a conspiracy.
On page 302 of the report, the panel addressed an issue that is troublesome for people on both sides of the debate: scientific facts that conflict with their viewpoint. 97% of scientists agree that global warming is happening, and over 80% agree that it is induced by humans. The panel confirmed that yes, these statistics are just a conspiracy by the scientific community to upset your worldview. On the flip side, if you believe in global warming, the fact that Arctic ice has increased in volume by 50% since 2012 is probably troublesome. Never fear. Simply pretend this fact doesn’t exist -- it’s part of a conspiracy to undermine your opinion.
4. Report Page 347: Global warming doesn’t matter anyway -- it’ll kill your grandkids, not you.
On the last few pages of the report, the VUSFSIP emphasized that on the whole, the issue of global warming is probably not that important. On page 347, the panel’s director Sophia Murphy says, “Global warming will be a life or death issue several generations from now, but for now, we can probably assume that we’ll survive for another hundred years or so without changing anything. Therefore, there’s no real need to have reasonable, well-thought out discussion about it. As outlined earlier in the report, the best way to deal with issue is to be so ‘passionate’ about your own views that you alienate everyone who disagrees with you. Ignore facts that don’t line up with your viewpoint, and tell anyone who doesn’t agree with you they’re stupid and should unfriend you on social media. That way, nothing will get solved, and our grandkids will have to deal with the problems that we could have fixed. Of course, by then climate change will be a matter of life and death. Sucks to be them.”
We at the lemon hope that this summary of the VUSFSIP report has been helpful. Later this week, we will release a summary of the 578 page Viterbo University Organization for the Study of the Effectiveness of Gun Regulation (VUOSEGR) report on taser use in Assisi Courtyard in January of 2009.