Viterbo Builds Wall, Walgreens Will Pay For It
In a report earlier this week, Viterbo’s president of intra-city affairs, Ronald Grump, announced a new plan to build a border wall between the Walgreens store on Market Street and the Viterbo University Campus. Citing numerous incidents where Walgreens patrons and employees have trespassed on the Viterbo grounds on their way to and from the store, Grump declared that a wall will go up later this week, and he insists that Walgreens will pay for the wall, saying that no tuition dollars will be used.
“For too long, these Walgreens people have traipsed all over our Viterbo grounds, with little more than a slap on the wrist in return,” Grump growled at reporters on Tuesday. “It doesn’t matter how many security guards we dress up in Vic the V-Hawk costumes and send out to patrol the border and keep people out. These Walgreens people just keep getting in. So we’re gonna build a wall, a great wall, the best wall Viterbo has ever seen. And Walgreens? They will pay for it. Absolutely they will.”
Viterbo students have mixed feelings about the wall. One nursing sophomore, Michele Theile, approved of the decision. “These Walgreens patrons, employees, all of them -- they come over here, they walk on our Viterbo grass, they breathe our Viterbo air and they steal our Viterbo vibes. Our Viterbo vibes, which our students need to survive! They have no right to be here. Yes, I understand they want to escape from Walgreens. I wouldn’t want to spend my life there either. But they’re going to have to figure something else out other than trespassing on ‘terbo soil. Because ‘terbo is the greatest school in the world, and we need to keep it that way by keeping people who don’t belong here out. And besides, Walgreens is paying for the wall, so it doesn’t matter.”
The decision to build the wall has raised questions about the Viterbo values. Specifically, some have noted that Viterbo was founded on the principles of hospitality and empathy and question whether or not the wall will help perpetuate those values. However, many Viterbo students and faculty do not have a problem with the decision. Viterbo student Abigial Sue Fisher said, “Listen, the Viterbo values are important. Of course we should show love, and hospitatlity and empathy. But you know who we should be more hospitable to? Ourselves. We need to have empathy for ourselves and how tough our own lives are. We need to have good stewardship of what we own and make sure no sneaky little devils from Walgreens try to nab it. We need to show ourselves the Viterbo values, not the outside world. And besides, as long as my tuition dollars don’t go into the wall, I don’t care.”
At press time, construction on the wall has begun. In an odd turn of events, President Grump has just announced that Walgreens will not in fact pay for the wall, but that student tuition will after all be used to pay for the construction. Grump insists that Walgreens will “pay Viterbo back” for the border wall. When questioned about how Walgreens will do this, Grump muttered something vague about scholarships and changed the subject to the new UWL-student ban that he is proposing for next semester.