Student Undergoes Amazing Three-Hour Lifestyle Transformation
A ground-breaking event took place earlier this week, as Viterbo junior Mason Rose underwent what can only be explained as a miraculous lifestyle transformation that lasted not one, not two but three entire hours. Sources reported that on Friday afternoon, while looking through pictures of insanely fit athletes and models in a sports magazine, Rose was suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of optimism and productivity. Vowing to pair this newfound sense of hope with an appreciation of how short and valuable his time on earth was, Rose vowed to transform his lifestyle completely, to be happier and healthier for whatever time he had left on earth (or at least for the next few hours until this feeling wore off).
“All of a sudden I just felt right,” said Jason later. “It just hit me, while I was looking at pictures of all these super fit millionaires partying on the beach -- there’s no reason that can’t be me. If I work hard and dedicate myself to a new lifestyle, I can have that body; I can have that career, and I can be that person that I’ve always dreamed of.” (He neglected to add that after three hours he suddenly lost all vigor and interest in this transformation and returned to his previous slovenly ways.)
Rose started his miracle transformation by consuming a carrot stick, the first vegetable that had entered his body in three weeks. He followed up this mighty act of health and fitness with an even greater act, throwing three boxes of pop tarts he had just purchased into the garbage can. “I realized I just don’t need that kind of junk in my body,” stated Rose (forgetting to mention that scarcely three hours later he would dig the pop tarts out of the trash and eat 6 in one sitting). “I’m just trying to change the way I think about food, reprogram my body to crave healthier things (at least for the next 180 minutes).”
After throwing out the pop tarts, Rose drank a plain glass of water -- not soda, or juice, or even milk, but plain water -- choking a bit on its bland, hum-drum taste. “Nobody said this was gonna be easy, but you have to persevere,” Rose is reported to have said grimly (not adding that by “persevere,” he only meant for a few more hours until he got bored of the whole thing).
After this complete diet turn-around, Rose took the next step towards his goals, heading to the gym for the first time in well over a month. “Health, happiness, success -- none of those things are earned overnight. You have to work, and work hard,” Rose reportedly said, lacing up the gym shoes that he had pulled out from a dusty corner under his bed (and that would be going back in the same corner to stay in a few hours time). “Sure, millions of people every year go on ‘health kicks’ and have little phases where they think they’re going to change their lives, but do they stick it out? No, they do not. I’m not going to be like them. I’m in this for the long haul (or at least until the endorphins that are firing in my body die down and this is no longer as exciting as it was a few hours ago).” When he got to the gym, Rose made another transformative choice, running on the treadmill that was facing the television playing CNN, rather than Bob’s Burgers. “I’m done filling my mind with intellectual garbage,” puffed Rose as he jogged. “I need to start cleansing my mental pallet, as well as my physical one.”
This mind-altering, truly stunning lifestyle transformation is an inspiration to readers everywhere. Accounts varied as to what brought about the abrupt halt to this transformation, but it was confirmed that just a little over three hours after the start of this newfound vigor for health and well-being, Mason Rose could be found lying on his bed, eating a box of pop tarts and watching the Simpsons.