EASY A'S WITH ALTERNATIVE FACTS
In a report early last week, it was discovered that a new and exciting development is sweeping the nation’s academic institutions. Everywhere across America, students are becoming excited by a new learning phenomenon, that has it made 100% easier to do homework, prepare for tests, and pass classes. This phenomenon, known as alternative facts, has brought hope to belaboured students everywhere, and is quite simply changing the way that college works.
Viterbo senior Chris Lance, just one of the hundreds of students who are ecstatic about the new development, explained alternative facts to reporters. “Picture this -- you’re a busy, tired college student, bogged down from studying for test after test, preparing homework, and reading assignments every night. That’s the way college students have lived for a long time, stressed about getting the ‘right’ answers to every problem and question. But with this new learning method known as ‘alternative facts,’ you don’t have to worry about what some scientist you’ve never met from hundreds of years ago said, or what some hoity toity doctor proved in some fancy lab. Instead, you can make your own version of the truth -- you can decide what you want the facts to be based on your worldview and opinions.” Tears of joy swelling in his eyes, Vance added, “My days of long exhausting nights trying to learn the ‘truth’ are over. From now on, I decide what the facts are. No textbook is ever going to tell me what the ‘right’ answer is ever again.”
This week alone, alternative facts have saved countless students from embarrassment and bad grades. For example, freshman nursing student Sara Kultz forgot in the middle of a test that the thin coating of lipids surrounding a cell is called the “plasma membrane.” However, using alternative facts, Kultz was able to ace her test by creating her own name for the plasma membrane, calling it the “flubbery lipid lining.” When the professor questioned her answer, Kultz pointed out that she was not wrong -- it was a fact, just an alternative fact. Her professor immediately agreed, and Kultz got 100% on her test and a gold star sticker to put on her backpack.
Another student, Juan Goodruff, was up into the wee hours of the morning completing a math assignment, sweating about getting the “right” answers. “Praise God,” said Juan to reporters, “I remembered alternative facts just in time.” Goodruff wrote down 43,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 as the answer to every single one of the 50 questions on his assignment. When his professor seemed skeptical, Goodruff just brought up alternative facts. His professor gave him a big old whack on the back and an A+ for being such a peachy keen student.
The excitement of alternative facts is only the beginning of this wondrous academic phenomenon. Experts predict that soon, alternative facts will give way to alternative questions -- not only will students be able to devise their own answers to questions, they will also be able to throw out the questions completely and make up their own. In the future, alternative homework may even become possible. Students, rather than doing the homework assigned by a professor, will simply make up their own, alternative homework, such as watching netflix or taking a nap and will earn A’s for completing it. Eventually, experts hope that this seed of alternative facts will blossom into alternative college, wherein students will have the chance to do whatever the heck they want for four years after high school and receive a diploma at the end the of it from a university of their choosing.
Experts agree that alternative facts have come along in the knick of time, and that they are just what is needed to make college great again.