RAMPANT EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS OVER VITERBO CHRISTMAS DECOR
In a series of reoccurring events over the past few weeks, Viterbo students of all ages, academic levels and affiliations were reported sobbing, dramatically clutching their chests, and fainting into puddles of their own tears in reaction to the beauty, splendor, and God-gifted glory of the Viterbo Christmas decorations around campus. Students drowning in homework, overwhelmed with tests and generally completely exhausted from the mental and physical taxation of the last few weeks of school broke down and began praising the Viterbo gods for gifting the campus with an onslaught of holiday cheer.
“It’s just a little Christmas miracle,” shrieked, sobbed, and blubbered Tommy Carlotta, a sophomore nursing student who stepped outside the library at 3 AM after frantically finishing a paper that was due in class in just a few hours, saw the Christmas lights on all the trees and collapsed into a puddle of his own tears instantly. “All the pressure of finals builds and builds, and it produces so much anxiety, and then bam, it's Christmas at Viterbo. It makes my heart flutter in the best of ways.”
However, not all students are having a meltdown for the same reason. The students that hate Christmas are not nearly as excited to see the lights as the students that love it and are having breakdowns of bitterness and hatred. One such student is enraged business major Carly Nowak. Carly has been going to Viterbo for three years and believes Christmas is the devil.
“I walk to class every day in a tizzy -- an angry, angry tizzy -- because of all this mushy Christmas stuff. It makes my blood boil,” growled Carly, grinding a Christmas cookie her roommate had given her as a present to a pulp in her fist. “I am stressed about finals, and I don’t want to be distracted from the stress – I want to channel it. And, I want my tuition to go towards improving my education, not celebrating some stupid holiday about love and family. That money should be invested in important, essential things, like creating more VUSM classes, or buying more Vic the V-Hawk mascot costumes, or creating a stricter, more effective system of controlling student behavior in the dorms, with more rules and regulations about visiting hours. But no, instead my tuition money is going toward celebrating Jesus’s birth. Is Jesus going to help me graduate? Is He personally going to tutor me in all my classes? Didn’t think so.” After saying this, Carky Nowak punched our Lemon reporter in the face and collapsed into a puddle of her own tears.
For whatever the reason, be it holiday cheer or holiday grumpies, Viterbo students have been breaking down and bellowing at the top of their lungs at all hours of the day and night in response to the Christmas décor on campus. Let us continue to revel in this season of spontaneous emotional outburst. Happy holidays and Merry Christmas.